Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Decision




I have not been here for a while because a baby is a full time job. Gabriel is doing great. He is 5 months old now and has developed quite a personality. He smiles all of the time and when he laughs it is the sweetest sound. I could not live without this child and feel blessed every day I wake up to his beautiful face. Lindze, my other sweet angel, has started adjusting well to having a baby brother. She can make him smile and laugh and they are so sweet together. She is also a very good helper and likes being the "big sister". We are looking forward to our first Christmas with all of us. This will be my first everything with Gabriel as Lindze was over a year old when she came home from China. We have the house inside and out decorated which is an improvement from last year where it took much prompting from friends to get me to just put up a tree. I have actual presents this year for family instead of gift cards. I am just excited about the holidays.
I have gone PRN at my job now so I only work every other weekend nights so I can stay home with Gabriel. Tom and I did not want Gabe to have to spend the night at babysitters like Lindze has had to do for so long. We decided I would do it for at least a year and then we would see.
Well we have been dwelling for a while on where our life was going in terms of Kyrgystan and we have made the heart wrenching decision to quit the program. I have spoken with Jackie at ICF and she understands. We cannot continue to have part of our hearts in Kyrgyzstan when we have these 2 precious babies here. Tom and I know that this will haunt us for the rest of our lives because we will always wonder what happened to him and how he turned out. I will always love him from afar but I just cannot do it anymore. They may open the program back up next year and I will probably have regret but I feel like our family is complete. Jackie phrased it as "Alek has his own journey now". Tom wanted me to take down all reminders of him and that was hard and when Lindze went to look for his photo album the other day I had to remind her that it was gone and that her other brother was not coming home. She and my family are upset about this but we will get through it day by day. I only ask that if anyone is reading this that they will pray for my sweet boy Alek Manas and pray that he one day does find a forever family and that he will forgive us for giving up on him.

6 comments:

Betsy said...

Christina & Tom, we are so sorry you had to make this difficult decision. We know that you love Alek very much and that he will always be in your hearts and in many ways part of your family. I believe that the journey to adopt Alek was all part of God's plan to lead you to Gabriel. The peace you have that your family is complete is proof that you have made the right- although not easy- decision.

Although we did not go through as much heartache and rollercoaster as you have, we know what it feels like to say 'no' to a sweet orphan in Kyrgyzstan, and no matter how right the decision is it never feels good. I grieved - even after meeting our Caleb - over the fact that I had said no to a child when we had longed for one for so very long. We know that with time God will give you a complete peace and trust that you have done the right thing.

We are grateful that the two of you were part of our adoption journey to Kyrgyzstan and only wish our outcomes had been the same. Regardless, we praise God for your beautiful family and especially for bringing Gabriel into your lives. God began a great work in your family and certainly was faithful in bringing you a gorgeous son! Hugs to you all from Texas.

Corinne said...

I am sure this must have been such a difficult heartwrenching decision.Somtimes life takes us down a path we fully do not understand but, ultimately is the one best for our family. The peace you feel Is evidence of what is right for you.Although, I know it does not take away the agony of what you and other families with matched children have gone through.
Even though we never ended up recieving a referral from Kyrgzstan after our dossier was in country it was hard to let go of what we thought was the plan for us.I realize now that it was a detour to help us trust in God that eventually we would be led to the child he has for us.
Your sweet children are both precious ! I am so happy for you that Gabriel is part of your family! His sweet little cheeks are just too cute. Keep enjoying your sweet family.

Kathy W said...

Christina & Tom:

I am another of the parents facing the same decision and I have to revisit whether I am "in or out" every few months. So far I have been "in" but I think the time will come sometime in 2010 when I too decide to focus on the children at home. I feel my situation in Kyrg is the only reason I opted to go domestic and that my little girl, now 7 months old, needed me to go domestic so there is the action of God in this. But I know if/when I make the decision you have just made, it will be very hard.

Kathy W

Suzanne said...

Christina:

I just wanted to send some words of encouragement. As you know, we had to make the same heart wrenching decision. We all had such wonderful plans for these precious children. I know that Alek and Altynai will forever be blessed by the prayers and love that we send from a far. Make sure that you take time to grieve your loss and cherish the precious memories that you have of the beautiful baby boy that you will always love.

Take care and cherish the wonderful holiday season with Gabe and Lindze!

Suzanne (in FL)

Allison said...

I can't even imagine how heartbreaking it was to make that decision, but you have to do what is right for your family. You've offered Alek so much...love, prayers, nurturing. He is better for having had you in his life. Although he may not be part of your family, I know he'll always be part of your heart.
Enjoy your children. They are beautiful!

The H Family said...

Christina,
As you know, we went through the very same heart wrenching decision so I understand and so feel your pain and heartache. Sometimes it is almost unbearable for me to think about leaving our little one over there with no family to love her, but I have to keep reminding myself that it is not my fault....we waited nearly 2 years and there is still no concrete hope that these children will ever be released. I can completely relate to the feeling that you must move on. We felt the same way. We just couldn't continue to be torn apart day after day. I know that I will always live with regret and sadness in my heart for walking away from our little one. It is something that we are going to have to deal with our whole lives. But I also know that I need to be present and emotionally available for the children we already have and for the little one waiting for us in Korea. I owe them that - they need and deserve a mom who isn't continually sad and depressed and consumed with a child that may never come home.

Anyway, I just want you to know that I understand what you are going through and I am here to support you and lift you up.

Kim H.