Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I have not been here for a while because a baby is a full time job. Gabriel is doing great. He is 5 months old now and has developed quite a personality. He smiles all of the time and when he laughs it is the sweetest sound. I could not live without this child and feel blessed every day I wake up to his beautiful face. Lindze, my other sweet angel, has started adjusting well to having a baby brother. She can make him smile and laugh and they are so sweet together. She is also a very good helper and likes being the "big sister". We are looking forward to our first Christmas with all of us. This will be my first everything with Gabriel as Lindze was over a year old when she came home from China. We have the house inside and out decorated which is an improvement from last year where it took much prompting from friends to get me to just put up a tree. I have actual presents this year for family instead of gift cards. I am just excited about the holidays.
I have gone PRN at my job now so I only work every other weekend nights so I can stay home with Gabriel. Tom and I did not want Gabe to have to spend the night at babysitters like Lindze has had to do for so long. We decided I would do it for at least a year and then we would see.
Well we have been dwelling for a while on where our life was going in terms of Kyrgystan and we have made the heart wrenching decision to quit the program. I have spoken with Jackie at ICF and she understands. We cannot continue to have part of our hearts in Kyrgyzstan when we have these 2 precious babies here. Tom and I know that this will haunt us for the rest of our lives because we will always wonder what happened to him and how he turned out. I will always love him from afar but I just cannot do it anymore. They may open the program back up next year and I will probably have regret but I feel like our family is complete. Jackie phrased it as "Alek has his own journey now". Tom wanted me to take down all reminders of him and that was hard and when Lindze went to look for his photo album the other day I had to remind her that it was gone and that her other brother was not coming home. She and my family are upset about this but we will get through it day by day. I only ask that if anyone is reading this that they will pray for my sweet boy Alek Manas and pray that he one day does find a forever family and that he will forgive us for giving up on him.